erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
