i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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