your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
