im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
