i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
