found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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