as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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