woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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