I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
