How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
