If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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