First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
