He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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