it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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