"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize