with your own penis?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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