does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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