dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
