4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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