Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
