i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
