yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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