Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize