Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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