the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
