I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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