Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
