I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
