If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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