Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
