watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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