who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize