Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
