Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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