if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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