i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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