I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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