if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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