They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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