The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
