About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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