My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your shirt... Was in my pants
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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