Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
