Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
