I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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