Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
