We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize