u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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