he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
