Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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