So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
