if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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