I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
