batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
