Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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