hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
this is an emotional support booty call
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
