maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
