Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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