Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
