My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
